Family life strained

[dhav]

Hello EOT,

Eventually the going to another island to work has been postponed and may never happen. My problem right now is my family heavily strained. I ended fighting with my mother some weeks before and now with my sister today. I was hoping things will get smooth with time but it's not. I would like to know thing will get better? It's like they didn't want to hear me out at all for something I didn't do.

Dhav

[dhav]

I am also thinking of leaving the house but I am much confused if I should go or not.

[eye_of_tiger]

I am also thinking of leaving the house but I am much confused if I should go or not.

Hi Dhav,

I wanted to respond to your second question first, as I feel the need to make my position about the advisability of you leaving home prematurely clear to you, before proceeding with your actual reading

I understand how desperate you could possibly be getting by now which makes you feel that leaving home is your only way of moving forwards while preserving some sense of peace within your family, but any reading given below this message assumes that if you do eventually leave home, that it will not happen within the period of the next 12 calendar months.

I think that we need to regard leaving home only as an action of last resort or emergency, IF AND ONLY IF there has been no significant progress made in the desired direction, between now and March of 2016.

Keep it in reserve as a plan C or D instead of plan A or B, unless hostilities escalate to a point that you or other family members are in serious danger of killing each other (psychologically as well as physically), or harming yourselves.

EoT  :smt014 ------------->  :smt052

[eye_of_tiger]

Hello EOT,

Eventually the going to another island to work has been postponed and may never happen. My problem right now is my family heavily strained. I ended fighting with my mother some weeks before and now with my sister today. I was hoping things will get smooth with time but it's not. I would like to know thing will get better? It's like they didn't want to hear me out at all for something I didn't do.

Dhav

Dhav,

Please answer the following questions for me either in this thread, or in a private message. I will leave the decision completely up to you as to which of the two ways is most comfortable and convenient. The reading itself will of course be given only on the forum.

1. Was the fighting with your mother some weeks before now and with your sister today about the same thing? Or were these fights about totally unrelated issues?

2. Do you increasingly find yourself arguing and fighting with them, about almost everything?

3. What are one or two of the main issues or points of disagreement which you continually find yourself fighting about with them?

4. What practical suggestions DO YOU HAVE to be able to significantly increase the chances of a mutually satisfactory solution being found to these issues?

5. What practical suggestions DO YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS HAVE to be able to significantly increase the chances of a mutually satisfying solution being found to these issues?

Please note that I will be waiting to receive and have adequate time to consider your answers to the above five questions (either in this thread, or through a PM), before going ahead with your reading.

Thanks,

EoT  :smt026

[dhav]

Hello EOT,

Eventually the going to another island to work has been postponed and may never happen. My problem right now is my family heavily strained. I ended fighting with my mother some weeks before and now with my sister today. I was hoping things will get smooth with time but it's not. I would like to know thing will get better? It's like they didn't want to hear me out at all for something I didn't do.

Dhav

Dhav,

Please answer the following questions for me either in this thread, or in a private message. I will leave the decision completely up to you as to which of the two ways is most comfortable and convenient. The reading itself will of course be given only on the forum.

1. Was the fighting with your mother some weeks before now and with your sister today about the same thing? Or were these fights about totally unrelated issues?

2. Do you increasingly find yourself arguing and fighting with them, about almost everything?

3. What are one or two of the main issues or points of disagreement which you continually find yourself fighting about with them?

4. What practical suggestions DO YOU HAVE to be able to significantly increase the chances of a mutually satisfactory solution being found to these issues?

5. What practical suggestions DO YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS HAVE to be able to significantly increase the chances of a mutually satisfying solution being found to these issues?

Please note that I will be waiting to receive and have adequate time to consider your answers to the above five questions (either in this thread, or through a PM), before going ahead with your reading.

Thanks,

EoT  :smt026

Hello EOT,

I have so much on my mind I completely forgot here. I will answer to your questions.

a. My fight with my mother was indeed some weeks ago. Yes it is related with the one I had with my sister.

b.Yes I find myself to argue more often with them.

c. Mostly it is about finding myself being not respected for what I do. It feels like they do not truly care for me. It is like being taken for granted.

I do not know what to reply for 4 and 5. I see myself talking to a wall who never hear me out. I have tried to talk but to no avail. My mother supports my sister for whatever she says, right or wrong.

[eye_of_tiger]

Dhav,

I am currently (bar emergencies) planning to give you this reading, any time from Friday morning onwards (South Australian time).

Thank you for answering my questions and I will type to you again soon, immediately after returning from my regular weekly day off (for good behaviour ;) on Thursday.

Loving regards,

EoT  :smt007

[dhav]

No problem EoT,

I will wait

[eye_of_tiger]

Dhav,

I wish that I could confidently guarantee that both your mother and sister will eventually come around to your own way of thinking, but their tendency to combine to take sides against you seems to be an ongoing long term issue, rather than being associated with a specific one. Of course it would help if I could directly read their thoughts and intentions towards you through a third party reading, but this is not allowed under our forum rules.

And even if it was allowed, I am one of those many readers who believes that doing this is an unprovoked invasion to the person's right to the privacy of her own thoughts. Also the reading and this reader have even less power to change what they do or do not do to make things even more uncomfortable for you, when compared to how much control you have over them which I believe is fairly minimal.

Without knowing whether they REALLY do not respect you or do not care for you or they do take you for granted or whether instead there is something else deeper and hidden going on here which explains why you are FEELING that they may not respect you or do not care for you or they do take you for granted (what you are perceiving is true), this reading is at a distinct disadvantage.

How much does this latest issue of disagreement directly affect your mother and sister? Do you really need their approval on everything which needs to be decided, or once again do you only feel that you always need their approval to take whatever actions are required to solve these family problems?

If 50% of people agree with 50% of your decisions, you are probably doing better than most people are. So the more people you ask, the more people are likely to disagree with you. Often the best way to indefinitely delay an uncomfortable or inconvenient decision is to appoint a committee to get back to you with a definite judgement, sometime in the distant future.

So in summary if you cannot force them to change their minds, they will not listen to any of your ideas or possible solutions and they make you feel seriously lacking in self confidence, you have one of two options to choose from (both of them falling far short of being ideal or perfect).

1. Do nothing other than to hope and pray that your mother and sister will soon see the error of their ways and listen carefully until you are finished, agree with and support whatever suggestions that you are making (don't hold your breath waiting). Accept that this is the way that it is, and that this is the way that it will always be. Give up trying to get your ideas and opinions heard, and watch what little remains of your self confidence and self respect rapidly disappear.

OR

2. Accept that for the immediate future this is the way that it is between the three of you, but also accept that there are practical and positive ways by which you could potentially significantly improve your relationship with them in the future. Not through the use of force or trickery, and not by trying to act as though you always know better, or by destroying their self confidence and self respect. But rather by using your intelligence, sensitivity to their feelings, and a degree of tact and diplomacy on your part.

Live to fight another day, or expressing it another way you may not always win every individual battle, and not every battle or argument is worth destroying your entire family over. Is there any way that you could be the first one to suggest a compromise be made (not the same thing as surrendering or giving up) so that you allow them to make their own compromise, without them feeling that you do not respect them or do not care for them or that you take them for granted.

Transform  a lose - lose situation into a Win - Win one for all three of you. If the consequences of the decision do not significantly affect either your mother or your sister, ask yourself why you seem to constantly need their approval for every positive action which you take in your life to solve problems or keep your family united, and therefore stronger and more resilient in the face of future adversity.

All this is always easier said than done. In the end, you are the only one who can do it. The same general principle applies equally to the average person or the leader of a nation in keeping the peace and good feelings going between them.

Do not always view your opponent as your enemy, or every disagreement as a valid reason to declare and wage a war. If you want this person to be more on the same wavelength as you are do not do anything that makes them feel that their pride, self confidence or self respect is under attack, or they will understandably feel the need to defend themselves using extreme methods which are not only likely to ruin your relationship, but will often lead to increasing levels of hostility and loss of mutual trust.

Whenever you are about to say something which you feel they are likely to disagree with especially at first, pay them a sincere compliment (it must be a genuine compliment to work) or tell them something positive which they cannot disagree with and you can both smile about. That is not trickery, but rather it is an excellent practical application of how human psychology works to sustain and reinforce relationships (love, work, family, friends etc) over time.

Loving regards,

EoT  :smt058

[dhav]

Dhav,

I wish that I could confidently guarantee that both your mother and sister will eventually come around to your own way of thinking, but their tendency to combine to take sides against you seems to be an ongoing long term issue, rather than being associated with a specific one. Of course it would help if I could directly read their thoughts and intentions towards you through a third party reading, but this is not allowed under our forum rules.

And even if it was allowed, I am one of those many readers who believes that doing this is an unprovoked invasion to the person's right to the privacy of her own thoughts. Also the reading and this reader have even less power to change what they do or do not do to make things even more uncomfortable for you, when compared to how much control you have over them which I believe is fairly minimal.

Without knowing whether they REALLY do not respect you or do not care for you or they do take you for granted or whether instead there is something else deeper and hidden going on here which explains why you are FEELING that they may not respect you or do not care for you or they do take you for granted (what you are perceiving is true), this reading is at a distinct disadvantage.

How much does this latest issue of disagreement directly affect your mother and sister? Do you really need their approval on everything which needs to be decided, or once again do you only feel that you always need their approval to take whatever actions are required to solve these family problems?

If 50% of people agree with 50% of your decisions, you are probably doing better than most people are. So the more people you ask, the more people are likely to disagree with you. Often the best way to indefinitely delay an uncomfortable or inconvenient decision is to appoint a committee to get back to you with a definite judgement, sometime in the distant future.

So in summary if you cannot force them to change their minds, they will not listen to any of your ideas or possible solutions and they make you feel seriously lacking in self confidence, you have one of two options to choose from (both of them falling far short of being ideal or perfect).

1. Do nothing other than to hope and pray that your mother and sister will soon see the error of their ways and listen carefully until you are finished, agree with and support whatever suggestions that you are making (don't hold your breath waiting). Accept that this is the way that it is, and that this is the way that it will always be. Give up trying to get your ideas and opinions heard, and watch what little remains of your self confidence and self respect rapidly disappear.

OR

2. Accept that for the immediate future this is the way that it is between the three of you, but also accept that there are practical and positive ways by which you could potentially significantly improve your relationship with them in the future. Not through the use of force or trickery, and not by trying to act as though you always know better, or by destroying their self confidence and self respect. But rather by using your intelligence, sensitivity to their feelings, and a degree of tact and diplomacy on your part.

Live to fight another day, or expressing it another way you may not always win every individual battle, and not every battle or argument is worth destroying your entire family over. Is there any way that you could be the first one to suggest a compromise be made (not the same thing as surrendering or giving up) so that you allow them to make their own compromise, without them feeling that you do not respect them or do not care for them or that you take them for granted.

Transform  a lose - lose situation into a Win - Win one for all three of you. If the consequences of the decision do not significantly affect either your mother or your sister, ask yourself why you seem to constantly need their approval for every positive action which you take in your life to solve problems or keep your family united, and therefore stronger and more resilient in the face of future adversity.

All this is always easier said than done. In the end, you are the only one who can do it. The same general principle applies equally to the average person or the leader of a nation in keeping the peace and good feelings going between them.

Do not always view your opponent as your enemy, or every disagreement as a valid reason to declare and wage a war. If you want this person to be more on the same wavelength as you are do not do anything that makes them feel that their pride, self confidence or self respect is under attack, or they will understandably feel the need to defend themselves using extreme methods which are not only likely to ruin your relationship, but will often lead to increasing levels of hostility and loss of mutual trust.

Whenever you are about to say something which you feel they are likely to disagree with especially at first, pay them a sincere compliment (it must be a genuine compliment to work) or tell them something positive which they cannot disagree with and you can both smile about. That is not trickery, but rather it is an excellent practical application of how human psychology works to sustain and reinforce relationships (love, work, family, friends etc) over time.

Loving regards,

EoT  :smt058

Hello EOT,

I have tried to talk but to no avail. So the situation turned out like I live my life on my own in the same house. We don't interact. I myself don't know what's on their mind. I have also said many hurtful things in a fit of rage. My family we have never been so lovey dovey or love talking like mature people. I do not want to have bad vibes with them.

Last time my sister fought with me was over a trivial thing for something I have not done. N she was all n all out to fight me like when I was saying it was not me she did not want to understand.  So the gap widened. There are too many ego involved here.

It is ok if you cant help me really here. I hope with time it will sort out.

Dhav

[eye_of_tiger]

You are welcome for the reading and it does appear that at the moment that I cannot help you any further.

Time alone however rarely fixes such problems. Instead it is a combination of time and doing things which you have not been doing up until now to improve the situation, which usually wins the day.

From the sound of what you are saying your only viable option may be to eventually leave home once it is safe to do so and you are financially independent enough to survive on your own, as both your family members seem determined to isolate you from taking any part in making group decisions, while you continue to live under the same roof.

Take care,

EoT