Love can't exist / My abusive relationship

[Stephys_cool]

How could this happen? This must be an illusion, it must be a nightmare. Yet I feel pain, why? It hurts so bad, this can't be happening. This must be a test. How could this happen, this is what I've always dreamed of. It must be a test, I must keep pushing. This is what I've always wanted. This pain must be fake, these bruises must not be real, why can't I feel them? My scalp is burning, half of the hair is falling from my head. No, this can't be real. I must be dreaming. These scratches are still burning, and the blood still fresh. How could this be happening? The screaming is making my ears go numb, spit is sitting across my face. I shout to respond but my voice can not be heard. I can't breath, I am locked in this corner and I can't stop sweating. All I want is a drink, my mouth is dry from shouting. The tears from my eyes stopped falling long ago. I can't remember why I'm sitting here. I don't understand why you don't let me free. Don't you see that already I am stuck on you?

I have escaped once before, but I had no where to run. No one was there, my only hopes was that someone could un numb this pain. Someone to tell me everything was alright. The last time I felt my heart beat, it was piercing my chest like a blade had been stuffed inside it. Screaming out in agony, everyone pushed me away. I'm confused, why? I only wish to feel my heart beat once more. Everything I believe in, torn away from me so fast, I can't make sense of anything. I use to believe so strongly in love. I have given so much, I can't even watch someone or my self, hurt a bug. I love life and other souls far too much.

It doesn't make sense, why doesn't anyone care? I have shown so much love, I must have given it all away. Who the hell am I? How is it so impossible that nobody could love just as I have? How can you not see this pain I feel, how could it mean nothing to you, when once before you claimed to be my friend. I must be living this earth alone. I don't understand how no one could care. They must have no soul, I am so scared. To all of them I am nothing, it doesn't make any sense. My heart is only screaming to be felt, for a little piece of this love given to be returned. I can not live this life a lie. I can not live and not feel. Only one person I know is willing to help me fix it.

Scream at me once more, tell me how awful I am, make me feel so low that pain can not make me scream. Punish me, for whatsoever reason. Pull my hair, tell me I'm crazy. Punch me til I'm black and blue, It all will be worth it. The one cuddle, that one complement, I don't mind, as long as I can feel my heart beat. But soon enough my rewards grew short. My heart sucked itself dry. I need love to stay alive, but there is none left, I will never feel it beat again.

You killed me, you let me starve, you have nothing left to offer. Now I sit alone, given up on humanity. Locked alone in this dark cold room. How could no one see such a special girl. I must be nothing, I must be ugly, I must be chubby, I must suck at what I believed had believed so long to be so gifted with, because I no longer belong in this world. I isolate myself into darkness for the very reason, that each day is a struggle for happiness. Each day I am disappointed, for as the day grows on, I recognize how fake these smiles are. Only I hear myself screaming, from the cellar inside my head. I am so very thankful if I feel myself cry, for at least then I'll get some relief from this severe pressure, keeping my skull from bursting.

I wont let myself out, for I curse her for speaking. I hide away in the depths of my mind, and never will anyone know who I truly am again. I am running on auto pilot, for I will never again trust myself into this cruel world. I am protecting myself, by never again having an opinion. Everything I say proves to be wrong, everything you say points to my insanity. The delicate little girl, has been dried to nothing. She no longer is pretty, she no longer can sing. She no longer can smell roses, no longer can watch the sun set. She used herself up dry, she was foolish and now I will never let her back out. I punish her everyday for acting so childish. I punish her everyday for speaking her mind. I punish her everyday for ruining everything I've had. It's a cruel world, and I refuse to ever play in it again.