Marital Issues

[AquaMyst]

I'm wondering if my husband will be receptive to going to marriage counseling and if my marriage is worth saving. I see a lot of potential if we get professional help, but sometimes I feel like it's not worth it and I should just give up! Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

[eye_of_tiger]

I'm wondering if my husband will be receptive to going to marriage counseling and if my marriage is worth saving.

For me to be able to directly read whether your husband will be receptive to going to marriage counseling would require me to give you a third party reading, which I am not allowed to do under the forum rules. A third party reading is one which is directly about any other person than the person who made the request.

Please do not ask for readings for others or third party readings as this is strictly against Mystic Board’s policies.

http://mysticboard.org/vi ... hp?t=73424

I can and will try to read his intentions towards marriage counseling indirectly through his relationship with you, but I must warn you before I do that insights coming out of such a reading tend on average to be far less reliable when compared to if the third party method had been available to me.

******See the final section of this posting for the part of your reading about this question******.

Is your marriage worth saving (second question answered first)?

Unless you no longer love one another, or unless you are constantly being abused in some way (if he is doing that then there is no decision for you to make, other than deciding when it is safe to leave him, or make him leave if the house belongs to you), a marriage is always worth saving, but you cannot save it without his co-operation in going to the counseling sessions with you, and him being willing to apply what he learns from the counselor in your marriage.

It also depends on how long you have already been married to him, and how long the problems in your marriage have been developing to the point that you felt the need for counseling. In the end no reading or reader can or has the right to tell you when it is time for you to say enough is enough, and that your differences can no longer be resolved as a married couple.

****************************************************

To answer your first marriage counseling question I drew a Tarot card on your behalf, and this time it was the Four of Cups.

Any card in the Cups Tarot suit is thought to tell us something important about the nature and depth of our closest and most intimate relationship. Marriage definitely qualifies as both of those (close and intimate).

A young person is seated cross legged under a tree with his back  facing the trunk, staring intensely at three cups standing upright on the grass in front of him. To his right a disembodied hand holding a fourth cup appears virtually out of thin air (rather creepy) beside him.

This card is thought to mean that you are now or soon will be if you have not already receive help from higher spiritual planes or valuable insights from your Higher Self which will help you to save your relationship, of course in addition to the counseling and you using any other methods to try to save it. But when this help arrives it will come in a way which makes it difficult for you to recognise that help is actually being offered to you.

If you wait for angels to appear with golden trumpets or God to speak to you directly from Heaven for you to be willing to recognise and accept the help which is given to you from on high, you will very likely to miss it and not get any positive benefits from it, as a consequence of it being overlooked.

I would interpret this card to mean with it being your reading that your chances of getting your husband to agree to going to marriage counseling with you will increase dramatically if you can recognise and accept this help coming to you in a completely unexpected manner.

But it certainly does not in any way guarantee that he will agree to accompanying you to all the marriage counseling sessions. Even a third party reading which this is not, could not give you a 100% absolute guarantee that he will agree to it, and attend every appointment.

I really hope that things do work out OK for the both of you.

Be kind to yourselves, and to each other,

EoT  

[AquaMyst]

Thank you EoT. I had not realized I was asking for a third party reading! Whoops! I appreciate your response and insight. I hope I am able to see/take the guidance/help that comes to me from my higher power. I do feel that there is hope there and maybe all I need is a little patience. I will talk to him about the counseling and hopefully he will be receptive. I do really want the relationship to be rebuilt and repaired....it just seems so daunting and sometimes I feel I'm wasting my time and I'd be happier just walking away and just giving up. We are both so emotionally detached right now and I don't know how to reconnect. Hopefully this guidance coming my way won't be so subtle that I'll miss it!

Thanks again.

Jennifer

[eye_of_tiger]

Jennifer,

You are very welcome for the reading.

I do really want the relationship to be rebuilt and repaired

Let's hope that he also wants to rebuild and repair your relationship enough to go with you to the marriage counseling sessions.

Hope, patience and a lot of love are the important ingredients in this winning recipe.

sometimes I feel I'm wasting my time

This is perfectly normal, and only to be expected. It confirms that you are only human. Even a saint's patience can be tested at times, and neither if us are one of those.

We are both so emotionally detached right now and I don't know how to reconnect.

Resume talking to each other again about anything other than your current problems with your relationship, with the intention to reopen the channels of communication between you. Small talk will prime him for becoming increasingly more receptive to you looking together for a solution to your marriage problems.

If instead of doing this you immediately go to the marriage problem he will interpret this as an attack on his male ego, and respond defensively by closing out any further communication with you or a counselor on a semi permanent basis.

Keep the discussion of your marital difficulties assuming that they are more than just the emotional detachment for the counseling sessions, especially at first.

Once the sessions have been going for a while, you should then be able to once again discuss them at home, without him automatically putting up his present "I do not want to talk to you about anything concerning our marriage, because there are no problems with it" sign.

Well at least that is the theory about what should happen.

EoT  

[AquaMyst]

You are perfectly right and I will strongly heed that advice! You had me laughing with that last quote. I think you are absolutely right though about reestablishing more communication and opening up on more superficial and every day topics and develop more of a closeness and comfort zone there before trying to delve into marital issues...his response is to shut down and that there is 'nothing to talk about' the last good conversation we had was preceded by lots of small talk so I've seen your theory in practice and it really does work. It's just hard it seems to have a natural flow of conversation for any length of time...I was thinking about trying to schedule some date nights for us as a way to reconnect as well.

[eye_of_tiger]

Jennifer,

Why not ask him either "what do you want to talk about?" or "what would you like to talk about?"

You might be pleasantly surprised with his response.

If your husband feels that he is in control over the subject of your conversation this often breaks the ice, where everything else that you wanted to discuss with him has failed.

This principle even applies to small talk.

Allow him to initiate the conversation and choose the subject for discussion, but be prepared for periods of deafening silence from him as he adjusts to being listened to without interruption, and do not make the common mistake of interjecting because you feel uncomfortable or embarrassed if neither of you is talking at the time.

You may find that your problem is no longer that he will not talk to you, but rather that you cannot shut him up.

Enjoy!

EoT  :smt005

[AquaMyst]

Ok. I will try that approach and see what happens! Thanks again for your advice.

[AquaMyst]

I just wanted to provide an update. My husband and mine relationship has improved a lot since I posted this initially. I still am uncertain if rebuilding my marriage is the right path. We still haven't achieved any real romantic or close emotional intimacy yet. It is such slow progress. I envision great things for the future and things really are better in so many ways but its only in the past few months do I feel we are having better conversations and able to communicate better and starting to feel more like a team instead of just two independent people living in one house, though I still often feel that way. He was not receptive to marriage counseling. I have tried to open up emotionally and reached out to him several ways trying to express my love and each time I feel a little rejected. I expressed this frustration to him and also my insecurities about his investment to me, he assured me he loves me, is not going anywhere and thinks things are getting better. So I guess I need to be patient. A former love interest passed on, and this was a man that I had an emotional affair with and part of the reason my marriage has a lot of its issues to begin with...well issues led to the affair, but the affair created more. I found out about the passing last week, had not talked to the man in several years as I ended communication when I got back with my husband after a few years separation. His passing has raised a lot of issues for me with regard to past relationships and soulmates/soul contracts...and is forcing me to work through some things and I think is serving as a catalyst for my own personal growth and healing and I would assume that will only benefit my marriage. I wonder if this is the help from a higher power that you were talking about? Somehow this event of his passing and learning about it and his spirits presence in my life is forcing me into some drastic growth. I feel a bit overwhelmed though. Feel like there is something I am missing or not getting.

[eye_of_tiger]

I just wanted to provide an update. My husband and mine relationship has improved a lot since I posted this initially. I still am uncertain if rebuilding my marriage is the right path. We still haven't achieved any real romantic or close emotional intimacy yet. It is such slow progress. I envision great things for the future and things really are better in so many ways but its only in the past few months do I feel we are having better conversations and able to communicate better and starting to feel more like a team instead of just two independent people living in one house, though I still often feel that way. He was not receptive to marriage counseling. I have tried to open up emotionally and reached out to him several ways trying to express my love and each time I feel a little rejected. I expressed this frustration to him and also my insecurities about his investment to me, he assured me he loves me, is not going anywhere and thinks things are getting better. So I guess I need to be patient. A former love interest passed on, and this was a man that I had an emotional affair with and part of the reason my marriage has a lot of its issues to begin with...well issues led to the affair, but the affair created more. I found out about the passing last week, had not talked to the man in several years as I ended communication when I got back with my husband after a few years separation. His passing has raised a lot of issues for me with regard to past relationships and soulmates/soul contracts...and is forcing me to work through some things and I think is serving as a catalyst for my own personal growth and healing and I would assume that will only benefit my marriage. I wonder if this is the help from a higher power that you were talking about? Somehow this event of his passing and learning about it and his spirits presence in my life is forcing me into some drastic growth. I feel a bit overwhelmed though. Feel like there is something I am missing or not getting.

Jennifer,

I still am uncertain if rebuilding my marriage is the right path.

Rebuilding your marriage, particularly now that your former love interest has passed, IS DEFINITELY THE RIGHT PATH FOR YOU.

I can well understand that the process of rebuilding mutual trust and reopening previously closed channels of communication with your husband can be extremely challenging and frustratingly slow at times, but THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT IN MY MIND OR IN THE READING THAT HEALING YOUR MARRIAGE IS CRITICAL TO YOU EVENTUALLY DISCOVERING YOUR TRUE PURPOSE FOR BEING ALIVE AT THIS SPECIFIC MOMENT IN THIS PLANET'S AND YOUR SOUL'S EVOLUTION AND HISTORY.

Although he was not receptive to marriage counselling what you have told me gives me increasing confidence that you are both already well on the way to achieving what you would have thought was impossible when you requested that reading from me, but which now is rapidly becoming almost inevitable.

If you are not able to for whatever reason recognise for yourself the huge positive strides which you have made during this relatively short period of time between the reading and now towards progressively disengaging from the past emotional attachment with your now departed love interest (which is still to a degree even after he has died active in your subconscious) and re-engaging with the man whom you married, then the reading and this humble reader will have to do these things for you, at least until you can no longer ignore the reality of your success in ultimately freeing yourself from this unhealthy attachment.

The confusion which you are experiencing about whether you are missing something which could potentially greatly accelerate the healing process is perfectly normal and understandable for a person such as yourself who wants above all to please everyone all of the time. An impossible dream or fantasy if there was everyone. The logical side of your mind and brain are telling you that it is silly to still have feelings for your former lover, but the emotional and sensitive side of your mind and brain is telling you almost the complete opposite.

This is what is meant by a person being of two minds about the right way for them to be able to make forward progress. This too will eventually pass, although there will for some considerable time continue to be days when it will be difficult for you to accept that this progress is anything but a cruel illusion.

You have already done a brilliant job (I am deeply impressed) in opening up to your husband emotionally, and although he is always going to be at least two to three steps behind you in performing his fair share of the healing of your marital relationship, he has assured you through his words that he loves you, is not going anywhere and thinks things are getting better.

Of course the true test of his long term commitment to your marriage is if his actions become progressively more consistent with his words from now on. But do not ever expect that his words and actions will ever or always be 100% consistent with one another. Equally your words and actions will never 100% agree with your words. Welcome to our very imperfect human condition.

Do not make the fatal mistake of giving up prematurely on the healing ever happening at the first vague sign of his words and actions not being totally in line with each other. And never give up on yourself as I regard myself as a fairly good judge of a person's character and my assessments of your courage and honesty and determination to succeed in spite of any obstacles which are placed in your path are all A plus.

You cannot and should not try to forget this man who is now no longer with us. We are all permanently changed by our life's accumulated experiences. A small but very real part of what he was to you will always be there somewhere buried deep in your unconscious mind. The question is now what are you going to do about that part of him that will always remain within you, for that is the true measure of who you are as a human and spiritual being.

Since he is now in Spirit there is no longer any way that you can do anything about it physically. And it would be a horrible mistake to think that he would want you to follow him if he loved you as much as you felt that he did. Whenever it comes to choosing between a man who is alive and one who is dead it should be a no brainer decision which one you should choose, but only if you were a machine or robot instead of the living and breathing human being whom you are.

I am not a medium and am therefore not claiming to be in direct communication with your later emotional suitor but I believe in spite of this that if it was love and not only lust between you and your ex, then he would want you to be happy with the man who is living under your roof and shared your wedding vows. He would not I intuit want you to feel that you are betraying his affections by continuing to pursue a happier marriage with the man who has expressed his devotion and long term commitment to your relationship lasting the distance.

[quot]His passing has raised a lot of issues for me with regard to past relationships and soulmates/soul contracts...and is forcing me to work through some things and I think is serving as a catalyst for my own personal growth and healing and I would assume that will only benefit my marriage. [/quote]

Do not just assume that it will only benefit your marriage.  Personal growth and healing will benefit you each individually as well as together as a married couple on many different levels. Spiritual healing works outwards from the spirit. It is usually only in the final phase that you can get to see the outward physical results of your journey towards wholeness. Healing means to make whole. Holistic healing is healing the whole person, body, mind and spirit, and not just treating a symptom or a collection of symptoms which could virtually mean anything or nothing.

I wonder if this is the help from a higher power that you were talking about?

Help from your Higher Power or Higher Self (HS) can come to you through many different channels. Needless to say that it is impossible for me to guarantee that all of the help which you are receiving comes directly from either your HS, spirit guide, guardian angel, God or the Cosmic Consciousness. If you use too much of your valuable time and energy wanting to establish beyond a shadow of a doubt that the true and sole source of the help which you are getting from beyond your lower self is any of them, you will leave little time or energy for the most important task at hand - which is healing your marriage sooner rather than later.

Accept the healing which you get with humility and gratitude, and do not ask unanswerable questions which are only likely to get you more instead of less confused about your best path. Judge the value of the help by its results, and not exclusively by where you believe that or from whom you believe that it comes.

Somehow this event of his passing and learning about it and his spirits presence in my life is forcing me into some drastic growth.

YES IT IS, AND NO OFFENCE IS INTENDED BUT I WISH TO ADD THAT I FEEL THAT IT HAS HAPPENED JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME, TO BE ABLE TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE.

I do not believe for one moment that these synchronized events (the healing and his passing) were not planned or predetermined to happen around the same time, or it is merely a coincidence or random coming together. Only by his death could the real healing of your marriage ever hope to begin. It is only a beginning, but with every new beginning comes the potential for healing and renewed hope for the future. Without new beginnings, nothing much of any real and lasting importance would become possible.

Loving regards,

EoT

PS: BTW it is my personal opinion and advice that seeing a medium to put you in contact with your ex would be a very big backwards step in the healing of your marriage. It could undo all the good which you have done up until now, in one sitting. It would be like you throwing gasoline or petrol on a fire, in an effort to extinguish it.

http://mysticboard.org/vi ... highlight=

[AquaMyst]

I actually read this response the very next day after you posted it and it was a powerful affirmation. I have made great progress, and my husband...towards rebuilding our marriage. There are still many obstacles to overcome...it has taken so much time to get this far and I've been very patient but sometimes I feel a little lost and like I'm torn in different directions, I have seen though that change is possible and our communication and openness with each other has improved greatly and we are able to get on the same page. I also feel as I continue to learn and grow and develop spiritually he is accepting of this even though he does not understand it...I do still fear sometimes that the direction I am going is so opposite to where he is and I worry that he will not want to be with someone like me who is so 'out there' and full of all this mystical and spiritual interest. At the same time I think he should only be able to see how my path has benefited me and thereby him in the process as I'm opening up more and being more in tune with myself. I just struggle a lot because I see the best and the worst possible outcomes to everything, I try to focus on the best and remain hopeful but I have a lot of fears that need to be released.

[eye_of_tiger]

Dear Jennifer,

One wonders why your husband would be making such an effort to rebuild your marriage, if he was intending to leave you for another woman.

The reading and this reader have some understanding as to why you are feeling so insecure, frightened, lost and of two minds about whether you are doing the right thing.

Change always comes with no guarantees, and there is always a risk that things may not turn out exactly as you hoped or expected they might.

But what you need to do with professional help which you are already getting through your marriage counsellor, is to balance the risks of what you are doing in an effort to heal your marriage, compared to the risks of doing nothing and allowing the situation to continue to deteriorate at an ever increasing rate to a point where the marriage is no longer salvageable or viable.

Your counsellor will go into this in much more detail than I feel qualified to offer you on this forum, but the reading gives a much higher priority to you releasing large amounts of unnecessary guilt, than it does to you releasing your fears.

Guilt about the potential impact of the love triangle upon your relationship with your husband. Guilt about your spiritual interests and beliefs being seen as too way out. Guilt about being able to see both the best and worst possible outcome of any situation. Guilt about your low self confidence. Guilt for having to consult a marriage counsellor in the first place. Feeling guilty for feeling frightened and unsure of yourself at times. Feeling guilty for feeling guilty.

Feelings of guilt can have a positive, character building function, if you are or were actually guilty. Guilt is meant to make you take stock of yourself and become more responsible for the consequences of your actions. with the intention to significantly reduce the chances that you will make the same mistake again. The whole idea of healthy and constructive and deserved guilt is to help make you a better person.

But unhealthy, destructive and undeserved guilt such as what you are experiencing will only make you more frightened of life, less likely to be able to do anything to either improve yourself or your situation, more secretive, less communicative, more angry at yourself for feeling emotionally inadequate, more isolated from the very people who could most help you if you would allow them to, more depressed and more sick.

By punishing yourself for being human and making mistakes of good judgement, you are becoming your own worst enemy when what you need most is to be your own best friend. There is no evidence that punishing a criminal for his or her crime is ever going to lead to his or her rehabilitation or stop the person from re-offending, but at least a hardened criminal gets a trial where it is up to the legal system to prove beyond reasonable doubt that the person is not innocent and is guilty as charged.

Many of your so called "crimes" or "sins" are totally imaginary or highly subjective. Or are you saying that what you have done or not done so far in your marriage makes you worse than the most hardened criminal, and therefore that you do not deserve a fair trial? By whose authority have you appointed yourself as your own judge, jury and executioner?

Why do we all punish ourselves instead of learning to love ourselves more? Because it makes us feel more accepted by a society where fear and guilt and self punishment are big business, and too many people are making too much money and gaining too much power to want us to stop whipping ourselves endlessly? People who punish themselves are easier to control by people who use fear and guilt as a means to their own selfish ends.    

like I'm torn in different directions

This is caused by the ongoing conflict between your logical and emotional mind. Your logical mind is reporting correctly that you and your husband are definitely moving in a positive, healthy and happier direction with your partnership, which your emotional mind runs mainly on needless guilt for things which were never under your control to change, and fears for your own future survival (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) as well as the long term survival of your marriage. Our emotional minds often tend to work with and predict the worst possible outcome. Any evidence to the contrary (that things are really getting better) is conveniently ignored.

The truth is that I am excited for your sakes to hear how the both of you are working more closely together to rebuild your marriage with professional support, and I admire and have great respect for your courage and patience in gradually overcoming the many obstacles placed in your path. I wish you and your husband all the very best of love and life, and have increasing confidence that you will both make it in the end. You ARE continuing to learn, grow and develop spiritually, both as individuals as well as as a couple in love with each other.

Keep up the good work, and fight the good fight against paralysing fear about the future, and undeserved guilt.

V is for VICTORY over both of them.

EoT  :smt109

[AquaMyst]

Thanks. As always you know just what to say.

[eye_of_tiger]

Thanks. As always you know just what to say.

It is always my pleasure to be of some help and support to you on this as well as through other MB forums.

Love, Light and Healing,

EoT  :smt020