I spent all of last year depressed and losing weight and obsessing. It was the effects from the later part of the previous year.
I lost my step mother to Breast Cancer. She was in my life since I was 5. Followed by the suicide of my Uncle about 2 months later. His daughter, my cousin, and I are very close. So it was so hard for me to watch her go through that. I accepted her back into my life after having to push her away because she became a drug addict, and I am trying to trust her again after seeing her complete rehab and trying somewhat to live.
I also got my heart broken (by a Leo) more than I ever had it hurt before.
So, things were not the greatest for me, to say the least. I needed to change things up. So cliche to realize things from death, but it is true.
I finally realized that I need to leave my self created security womb. I need to take chances.
I went from so many extemes. I grew up with so much instability, so as an adult I obsess with having it, to the point of detriment and not living.
So I tried living, got hurt, took chances and now.....just now I feel my strength, that internal strength starting to come back. It has been a long time since I have felt that.
It is welcoming a old friend, and old family member back. I love it. I thought I would never feel that again and that I was doomed to deal with my yucky Pisces moon (sorry to all Pisces, I do love you). I just feel like I have perspective.
I went through a bad period where I went overboard in trying to hard with people and giving them way too many opportunities and chances, again to my detriment. They always seemed to take and leave, bringing up my abandonment issues.
So I have stopped. Stopped trying to take care of people that have never asked, stopped caring whether or not people thought I was a good person, stopped responding to people that need to be fixed, stopped needing to be needed, and stopped forgetting that I am here and forgetting that I need things too!
I feel a little sad in a weird way, like losing a friend, but a friend that was a a martyr and refused to help herself. A little sad of letting go of people that I love dearly, but I have come to the conclusion that although they "may" love me, it is not enough or they really dont love me. Either way, I'm gone and I'm done. I DESERVE so much more. And it feels great to actually FEEL that way and not just know it.
So much clarity lately. I'm scared though that I wont be able to keep the momentum. I feel so much love and no malice (even to the people that have hurt me deeply). I have to just move on.
I want to give HUGS out there to EVERYONE! I love hugs, and I still want to have faith in humanity. I still want the ideal. I want to believe that we can rise above. I want to believe that we can change and heal wounds and have the ultimate goal, which is happiness. The best part is happiness is different for everyone. I believe in the golden rule and in treating people the way in which I want to be treated without sacrificing my goals, there is a compromise. I'm a Sag with my Sun, Asc, Mercury, Venus all in Sag, so patience for that compromise might be a difficult task for me. I want it though, in a desperate sort of way...Again ranting......BUT HUGS for everyone!
XOXO and some more XXXXXXXXXX
Let's change ourselves without having to compromise for this political machine that we must co-exist in. There is a way, and we are always in control, of our destiny, the world we live in, environment, and our interactions with the people that love us. No one can make us feel anything unless we let them ( I believe it's Eleanor Roosevelt)
