Requesting a reading

[Melancholic Virgo]

Hello all, new to the forums, and all the different mystical stuff. But it definitely captured my interested. Some of the scripts have blown my mind!

But basically, the long and short of this is, I'm looking for a reading.

I'm going to be pathetic and poor my heart out really quick. Sorry if it turns out lengthy. I can't blame you if you don't read it. But it's what I feel is necessary before the reading.

My ex, and first love, split back in May. We had been together just shy of 10 months. We were deeply in love for the longest, then things started falling apart towards the end. There was a bit of an age gap between us, of 12 years. I was 19 going on 20 and she was 31 going on 32 when we got together.

She had found out she was getting a job teaching for the department of defense, and would be moving 800 miles away. When she found out, she slowly started distancing herself. I had tried to tell her I wanted to go with her, but she came back with my best interest in mind, or at least coming off that way. She told me she would feel bad about moving me out to married life when I'm just under 21, moving me far from family, and where I was going to school at, etc. I tried to tell her that I was ok with it, and I would be happy wherever I was as long as I was with her. We finally came to the conclusion that I would remain where I was for a full school year, and then we would discuss it.

The distancing continued, and the further she distanced herself, the clingier I became. One night, May 18, I called her to ask if she wanted it to work between us. She answered as if I had asked IF it was going to work, not if she wanted it to. I would try to make myself clear, but she would dance around it, and retort with she wanted me to continue doing well, or say something along the lines of I'm not a psychic I can't answer that, and that maybe it was all a part of God's master plan. I finally gave up on the conversation.

A few weeks before we had split she had suggested we should maybe just be friends so nobody gets hurt, but I had persisted against it. After the conversation, I realized it was not going to work romantically between us, and I called her the next night (she was in Texas visiting family) and told her I agreed, we should be friends. I told her how much I loved her, and I would love to try it again sometime down the road. I was also keeping in mind the fact that we had made a promise to each other in the beginning, a pinky-promise at that -which was always our little "sacred" thing- no matter what, we would be friends if it didn't work out. We had fallen really hard for each other very quick and were worried about ruining an amazing friendship. She always told me from the beginning she was a straight forward person, and would tell you exactly what she was thinking, feeling, and if she said something, she meant it.

I had been her first significant other in 4 years, and we met through work which I was using to pay some tuition to the college I was attending until recently, so I could return back. She had suffered some kind of injury at work while she was teaching in Dallas, that resulted in her having a chronic and extremely painful sensation in her feet constantly. She ended up having to leave work, and was practically bed ridden for a while. She had gained a bunch of weight, and was living a hopeless life. The doctors diagnosed her with RSD.

She eventually made herself start walking again, to the point no one could tell she had the disease. She started looking for work, but could not find another job teaching in Texas anywhere, so she moved to Oklahoma and lived with her cousin, and ended up working at the call center and starting the same day as I did. We met in the training class. We became friends quickly from there. She wasn't bad looking, she was back down to a size 8, and was very confident compared to the stories she had told me about in the 3 rough years she had endured.

Through it all, she had told me something towards the end of the relationship. I had done so much more for her than she could ever repay me for. I had shown her that her disability doesn't define her, that she was not a failure, that she is capable of being loved still, how amazing it was that I saw past all of her flaws and loved her unconditionally.

Well, after we got off the phone that night, I broke down and started bawling. But I wasn't going to try to bother her. I called her after the weekend when I knew she would be back from Texas. I didn't get an answer and just left a VM to see if maybe she wanted to grab something to eat. I never got a reply. Over the next few weeks I would send friendly text messages, nothing pushy or emotional, thanking her for some music she had given me before we split, etc.

I never got a response, and I was starting to get hurt and extremely depressed, after all, we were supposed to still be friends.

I started getting desperate, asking to see her to at least say my goodbye before she left, but she never responded. I drove by her house once to see if she was still there. I wasn't intending on going onto the property or stopping, I was just wanting to know the opportunity to talk to her was still there. She was gone, and had gone to Texas for a final month to spend time with family before moving. I instantly felt guilty over driving by, and felt like a stalker. So I went to go talk to a counselor, who reassured me I was not a stalker.

That morning when I had driven by, I had been out all night. Depression wasn't good for sleep. So I had been walking in the park listening to music, and ended up going to the house I was staying at the time and was locked out. So I ended up walking around for several hours. By the time I was out of the appointment, it was only 9 a.m., and everyone would still be asleep.  I ended up calling her cousin she had been living with, that I loved dearly. She was like my grandmother (32 year difference between her and Jen). I asked if I could come stop by for a while. She said that was fine, and she wished that she had called me to let her know I was out all night, and that it worried her.

So I drove to her house and she opened the door for me and gave me a big warm embrace. I had no intentions of asking about Jen, I just wanted to be with someone I cared about in an extremely low time. I went to go sit in the chair in the living room I would always sit in when I came over. Her cousin had just put a big photo on it prior to me getting there, of me and Jen on Halloween. I instantly started crying hysterically. Her cousin had told me she was afraid the photo would have the effect on me it did, but she had the best of intentions, to give me a happy memory. I had the photo on my iPhone, but for some reason seeing it physically got to me really hard.

I ended up asking her what was the deal, how come she had been ignoring me, etc. Her cousin proceeded to tell me that she had read the text messages and had told her about them. But she wasn't sure what to do. Jen didn't want to cause more damage, and thought it would be best to not reply back to anything. She sincerely cared about me, and didn't want me to hurt.

That's when I made the ultimate mistake. I asked her if she would talk to Jen for me, and tell her that I really did want to do the friends thing. She ended up calling her a few minutes later, which I had not expected. She told her I was over at the house, and Jen suddenly had to go.

I was in an extremely low mood, and this had just worsened it. I was sitting there in the chair, tears flowing. She told me it was time to get something to eat, because she found out I had only been eating every 2-3 days. We picked up food and came back to the house. But I couldn't eat, and I just proceeded to chain smoke. I started to fall asleep in the chair, tired from the exhaustion of such intense emotion and being awake all night. She told me to go lay down in the room that Jen and I would sleep in. It didn't take long to pass out.

She awoke me 9 hours later, saying she was getting ready to go to bed. I thanked her for her hospitality and everything else.

I texted Jen again one last time, and I said I accepted that it was not going to work out romantically and it made me sad, I would hate to mourn the end of a friendship too. She didn't reply back for a bit, so I thought I was going to go unanswered again. 20 minutes later, I got a text stating this:

"You need to leave my cousin alone. How dare you bring her into your drama after all she has done for you. How dare you! You need to move on and leave me and her alone."

I tried to explain to her that I had meant no ill intent and that I had no intentions of bring her up when I had gone over there, and that I had seen the photo and broke down. But now I didn't have to feel so lost in the dark.

She replied with "You had no business going over there in the first place, don't ever contact her again."

That was the end of it. I was so devastated that I almost killed myself. I started to stare down at my bottle of anti-depressants and came close to swallowing 60 pills. But I stopped myself to call my brother. I was distraught and told him what I was preparing to do. He was scared and said that it's not worth it, and told me to tell my job isn't important and to just come home, which is 150 miles away in North Texas. I told him I had no money and not enough gas. He convinced a friend to drive him to meet me half way to get me home. I explained to my parents what happened the next morning, and they were absolutely disgusted. I also told them about my near suicide attempt. WE talked, and my dad started to cry, and made me promise I would call him if I ever did, so he could at least say goodbye. I told him I would never do it, and how much I cared about my family.

I went to sleep and woke up in the late afternoon, and had a voicemail from her cousin saying she had told Jen I wanted to be friends. I figured Jen had not told her what happened. I know she said never to contact her again, but I called just for the explanation. I didn't go into detail of what had happened, but I told her Jen didn't want me to talk to her anymore. She said that she understood, and would keep me in her thoughts and prayers, and wished me the best, and told me she loved me.

I felt like such utter shit. I ended up emailing Jen a few days later, which consisted of me telling her everything I thought was wrong on her part. I didn't victimize myself, but I put in my thoughts on all the wtf's of her side. At the end of it, I told her that I had found myself wishing her a lonely existence, but that it really wasn't the case. I told her I believed everyone deserves true happiness, and that I was glad I could give that to her, and show her all the good inside of her.

I never got a response, and I didn't contact either for 2 months. I had wanted to call her cousin right away to apologize for all that had happened, but anxiety held me back. Eventually after two months, I called her cousin. I had told her how sorry I was for pulling her in, and that I had meant no bad intentions, and how emotionally distraught I was at the time. She told me that there was nothing to apologize for, and that we had all been there. So we started catching up a little bit, and she said that she would let Jen know that I had called. I asked her if Jen had asked about me. She told me Jen would ask if I had called her whenever they would talk, to see if I was doing ok. All I could reply with was "oh..."

I told her how happy I was to talk to her and how much I had missed her. I said I wanted to keep in contact, but I didn't want to stir up any problems with Jen. She told me except for this call, she wouldn't even tell her about it.

I emailed Jen after, to let her know that I had called Karen Jean. I told her she would find out anyway, but I thought it would be best to hear it from me, and explained to her that I didn't just want to sneak behind her back, and I made a brief apology for the long drawn out and emotional email.

I never heard back from her, but I had expected this by now. I have talked to her cousin regularly since, and still have a great friendship with her.

Jens birthday came up in late August, and I emailed her a happy birthday and hoped she was off to a great start. Short and simple as that, and just trying to be friendly. Didn't get anything back from that, but I still didn't expect anything back.

On labor day, I sent her this message:

Hey Jen, it's been a while. I hope all is well with you, and you've had a great start in Kentucky.

I don't want to beat around the bush with this, and I want to apologize right away for the fact that emailing is so impersonal, but it's the only way I could think to do this. I know I emailed you back when I called Karen Jean, and there was some apology in the email, mostly about the one I had sent a few days after all that that happened back in june, I felt it would not be taken as sincere.

I want to apologize for everything that happened back in May and June, for all the constant desperate text messages, and what happened on the 9th of June. I was in a messed up state of mind, but I know that doesn't justify any of it, and I don't want to waste your time with excuses. I'm sorry for the lack of respect I had for you in the relationship, especially           those last few months, and how clingy I was toward the end. I hate the fact I didn't seek help sooner, and not taking your advice that I should have. I'm sorry about all those long drawn out conversations that happened.

I don't know if my apology means much, but I can promise I say it with full sincerity. I know I said this already, but I really do hate the fact of how impersonal an email is. Unfortunately  it's all I can do. I'd do anything to take back everything that I've done and I hate the fact I ruined what could have been a great friendship.

This past summer I took a step back and really took time to analyze everything. It was a hurtful realization, but I realized that there was so much wrong in the relationship on my part, and I realized that it was something that needed to end. I also reflected a lot over everything you told me whenever I was trying to be persistent about coming to Kentucky with you, like the whole taking away from college experience, finding myself, not making everything so planned out, and you not wanting to take away from that. I've started seeing a lot of what you were telling me about, and I started seeing all of the things I could have missed out on, and through this all, I figured out that really what I want to do with my life is be a counselor, to help people that have been in the same boat as I was. I've also realized how unhealthy it was on both of us. I tried fighting it for so long, but in doing so, I see how wrong of me it was to do so. Please understand that there is no spite or sarcasm in that last statement, this is why I hate emailing stuff like this, you can't see facial expression or hear the tone. What I'm trying to say is that it wasn't fair for me to do that. It's something I've wanted to apologize for for a while now.

I know it seems a little late now to be sending this, but I wanted to make sure that I was in the right state of mind to send it, and not emotionally driven.

I wanted to thank you for everything that you've done for me, and all that you have shown me. I know I wouldn't be the same person I am today had our paths not crossed, and I feel I grew as a person because of it all, and I learned so much. For a while I told myself the whole thing was worthless, and through it all, I see that's not the case at all. I did a lot of     self-analyzing after it all, and I realized what I need to change about myself, and I have to thank you for that.

I hope someday we can be friends again, or at least be on friendly terms. I really can't blame you though if you don't want that. Please don't take this email as a desperate plea, or as one with a background intention, it is exactly what I've stated throughout it, a well overdue apology. I wouldn't feel right if I didn't, and I'm sorry if I've made you angry by sending this. It took a lot of courage to do so.

Take care Jen, and I hope that whatever happens, everything goes well with you.

Regards,
-Aleks

I found out she had read the email over five times, through a program that allows me to know when my email has been read. I used it because I wanted to know if I was wasting my time and if she was even receiving them, much less reading them. It doesn't give me access to any personal information, just lets me know when it's been read. After I found out, I realized there was nothing left to say to her, and now it was up to her if she ever wanted to reach back, and I haven't attempted reaching out since.


That's pretty much my story.

So what I'm requesting is if anyone can tell me if:

She even still cares or misses me.

Will we ever be able to be friends again? I have accepted we will never be together, but that promise of friendship at the beginning still haunts me, and she really was my best friend.

Again, I apologize for the long read.