jokes for the Day (31-10-2008)

[prasanna]

Jokes

Excellent Skydiving Advice

Recently, I got to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.

One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

Our jumpmaster looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."





Smartest Dog

A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer go out hunting in the woods one day. Each of them brings along his hunting dog, and they spend most of the morning arguing about which of the dogs is the smartest. Early in the afternoon, they discover a clearing in the forest. In the middle of the clearing is a large pile of animal bones.

Seeing the bones, the doctor turns to the others and says, "I'm going to prove to you two that my dog is the smartest. Watch this!"

He then calls his dog over and says, "Bones! See the bones? Go get 'em!" The dog rushes over to the pile, rummages around for a bit, and then proceeds to build a replica of the human skeleton, perfect down to the last detail. The doctor grins smugly; after all, his dog has just built a human skeleton from animal bones.

The engineer, however, is totally unimpressed. "That's nothing," he says. "Watch this." He calls his dog over, and points out the pile. "Bones! Get the bones!" The dog rushes over, tears down the skeleton, and in its place builds a perfect replica of the Eiffel Tower. It even has a little French flag waving at the top. The doctor is forced to agree that the engineer's dog is, in fact, smarter than his own.

The lawyer, however, is still not impressed. "My dog is smarter," he says. "Watch." He then calls his dog over, points to the pile, and says simply, "Bones." The dog rushes over to the pile, tears down the tower, eats half the bones, buries the other half, and takes the rest of the afternoon off.






Friar's Florist

Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.




The Life of Riley

A man sentenced to prison was put in a cell with an older convict who had been there for many years.

One day, they were talking about their pasts, and the old man said, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

"What happened?" his new cellmate asked.

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing."

[sheryl]

A   mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for   speeding...     Older   Woman:  Is  there a problem, Officer?    
Officer:  Ma'am, you were  speeding.

Older  Woman:  Oh, I see.  

Officer:  Can I see your license please?  

Older   Woman:  I'd give it to you but I don't have one.  

Officer:  Don't have one?

Older   Woman:  Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.  

Officer:  I see...Can I see your vehicle  registration papers please.  

Older   Woman:  I can't do that.

Officer:  Why not?  

Older   Woman:  I stole this car.  

Officer:  Stole it?  

Older   Woman:  Yes, and I killed and hacked up the   owner.  

Officer:  You what?  

Older   Woman:  His body parts are in plastic bags in  the trunk if you want to see  

The Officer looks at the  woman  and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.  Within  minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer  slowly  approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.  

Officer   2:   Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle   please! The  woman steps out of  her vehicle.  

Older  woman:  Is there a problem sir?  

Officer  2:  One of my officers told  me that you have stolen this car and  murdered the owner.  

Older   Woman:  Murdered the owner?  

Officer   2:   Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,   please.

The  woman opens the trunk, revealing  nothing but an empty  trunk.  

Officer   2:   Is this your car, ma'am?

Older   Woman:  Yes, here are the registration papers.  
The officer is quite  stunned.  

Officer   2:   One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving  license.  

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out  a clutch  purse and hands it to the officer.  

The  officer examines the  license. He looks quite puzzled.  

Officer   2:   Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a   license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and  hacked  up the owner.

Older   Woman:  Bet the liar told you I was speeding,   too.  


Don't  Mess With  Mature Ladies

[sheryl]

MY LIVING WILL



Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....