The thing I love about here, is that so many ppl think about others & give advise to help others, even ones we have never ever seen in our life & have spoken for the first time.
No one thinks u are mad blackcat, if u are, than I think I am a PSYCHO, & since I am not, u can't be mad.
About the forgiving part, u have made peace with ur past, that is good to hear, but I think u are not hard, but very hard, maybe even harsh or ruthless when it comes to u, u are very self-critical of urself, that means u are ur own biggest critic, I know that because that is how I am too. So first I will tell u to stop being ur own harshest critic, & start being soft on urself (don't know if soft is the right word).
Irrespective of what all u felt for ur ex-husband, u know the fact that he is also suffering & u don't want to hurt him or destroy him anymore, that speaks volumes of ur growth or wisdom. Forgive him & urself & forget it, & both of u try to do the best for ur son, that is what u can do to make him happy, & make sure that he doesn't do any mistake like the ones his parents have made. I know it is all easier said than done, esoecially for someone who isn't in ur shoes & one who doesn't even have the expirence to talk about this stuff. But all I ask u is Trust me about this, it will work out well.
What u must be more interested in is "What is best for ur son?", even if u don't get custodial rights, u ask for permission to meet ur son, to be involved in his life, to take decissions for his welfare. I think u must try making peace with his father too, & tell him that u are not out to snatch ur son from him, but to make sure that ur son has a better life than u both could ever have, have a better future than ur past. I think he will agree too.
About this....
i only want the pain for everyone to go away. and i ask u all this. if the tables were turned and you were looking at all these lives's, your kids, yours, his father's, your parents and families? and the truth is you have created all this pain and suffering in their life's, and the consequences are still causing heartache for all involved. how easy do you think it would be to find the good thing in you, and be forgiving? be honest.
To be honest, I might never really forgive myself, but I said I might, because for me then my children's life & future would be more improtant than anything, even my life & then my families & parents life & future would be next in the list, & then myself. It would be difficult to forgive myself, love myself, & forget my past, but still I would try to do it because I don't want others to suffer more than they have already done.
Don't know what else to say, but do hope that did help u.
I'm getting flushed in the face.
which is a lot.
